The sun is out today. It’s a beautiful morning. But my mind travels back in time 10 years ago, when all was not so sunny and bright and I was a stout believer in the myths that hindered my progress.
When relationship troubles hit you, it’s hard to cope. Young children, aging parents, difficult in-laws, a husband whom you can’t seem to get through to, and day in and day out of a never-ending heartache.
What should I do? You ask yourself. How can I get over this? I’ve never failed at anything. A relationship is the last place I want to start.
So I did what many in my place might do, and many should do, but don’t. After reading this article, I hope they do too.
I didn’t run to my mom, my siblings or my friends. I contacted a Psychologist. Yes, a relationship therapist. If you’re wondering what happens next, read on.
Debunking The Myths
This is for all those spouses, or couples who feel they’re failing at the relationship game. If you’re contemplating a visit to a relationship therapist, here are 9 myths that you SHOULDN’T expect. Keep this in mind, so you know WHY you’re going in the first place, and how they can and cannot help you.
1. The therapist will FIX it all!
The therapist will not jump in to wave a magic wand and FIX your relationship. He/She will show you how you can, or why you can’t. She will listen, and you will vent. Yes, vent, talk it out and cry, even weep. And you WILL feel better when you walk out that door.
2. The therapist will tell you whether you should stay in or want out!
No, not really. You decide your story. She will help you write it. The therapist will ask you if you want this relationship to end or go on. She can help you with both. But you have to choose.
3. If you visit a relationship therapist, your spouse MUST come too.
He/She might not want to come visit the shrink with you. And it’s okay to go alone. You can’t force your spouse to come visit the therapist unless he/she wants to themselves. And it doesn’t matter. Your spouse is not responsible for your emotional well being. You are. He can contribute to it, but you need to focus on yourself and forget the rest.
4. All I’ll do is vent and everything will be the same when I go back home.
The 50 odd minutes of ‘venting’ will help you take charge of your emotions. They did for me. And that in itself, sent out a positive message to those around me. If I feel and look sorted, people will take me more seriously when I have to say something.
5. Children in a marriage ARE important.
But not more important than you. If you are troubled, if your relationship is troubled, your children will grow up seeing that. And the impact that will have on their future lives and the relationships they have will be affected. So if you’re in it for the children, remember that they need to see a sane relationship. Sometimes, no relationship is better than an insane one. So if you two can’t find your way together, find it alone. And the children can take the best from both separately, rather than the worst combination of you both together.
6. Visit any therapist who gives you an early appointment.
The therapist you visit matters. Also, try to make an appointment with a clinical psychologist, (who has a professional degree and is trained to handle your relationship issues). Go to one that comes highly recommended and you find a level of comfort with, else, switch. This is your happiness in their hands, you want the right pair of hands.
7. Your family and friends will help sort out matters
Your family, siblings, friends will always have a biased stand. because they know you both, they are human and very, very subjective. Also, they might be experienced, but they are not professionally trained to deal with relationship problems. If they were, then no one would have a problem, because families sort out everything right? Wrong. Go ask any couple in a relationship, (or watch a Pakistani family drama), and they’ll tell a different story.
8. Your spouse might actually decide to go if he/she cares enough.
Not necessarily. Sometimes, if and there is a positive change in you. It might lead him to listen to you and take you more seriously. This is not to say that all therapies lead to happy couples. All therapies should lead to a solution. Whether that means staying together or moving away, it will depend on what is better for you in the long run. So bear with the time and money you invest in your relationship, and in your self. You’re doing it for yourself. And you’re definitely worth it.
9. Relationships are about your significant other. You need to focus on HIM.
While we feel that relationships are all about the other person, they’re not. They’re actually all about you, and how you choose to live with that other. If you want to live happily, in peace, and share a life together, you need to be OKAY to do it. You cannot give someone your best, or ask the best from someone unless you are in a happy place and in control of your life.
And that’s why you need to go to a therapist when things swerve out of control in your life. To help you fix what went wrong.
The sun is still shining, and I’m happy to be here to see it. I was too troubled to see it 10 years ago, but I can feel it now, and you’ll have the power to feel it too, once you move past the myths.
This article is the collaboration effort of several members of Team FUCHSIA.