Kuch Ankahi and Salman’s dilemma deconstructed!
He must make chai and coffee (omelet and roti will be a bonus), be there for my family, be proud of my job even if I earn more than him, have no typical male issues, but … he must also not be insecure about me, he should KNOW I love him, even if I don’t say so, should never need an explanation from me, ever, and, will stand by me even when I don’t let him in on my personal life problems and, oh, wait a minute … can he please do all this in style, a bit more confidently, borderline arrogant maybe? Oh, but do help Aba with the paani ki motor, coz’ that’s not working and while he’s at it, pay the bijli ka bill and pick and drop my kid sister to and from college!
Oh but all that whining and need for TLC dampens his style!
Salman, can you just stop being this perpetually insecure man who keeps asking for reassurance? So what if I spent the entire evening with a man who wants to marry me, if I tended to his dad in the hospital, that’s all personal, and my job too, and so what if I just received a hefty loan from work, incidentally from the same man – boss who might be in love with me, and so what if I never told you about the loan. So what if my entire family went all starry eyed when Azfar appeared on the horizon, so what if my mother’s an opportunist and a fortune hunter for her daughters’ proposals, and would prefer Azfar to you any day, so what …
We speak without speaking Salman, you have to trust me … I can’t explain everything, everywhere all at once! Be confident, be all that I want you to be, and, be Salman at the same time – Salman, the superhero, Salman under pressure!
Is Aliya expecting too much from Salman? Is he being unnecessarily clingy, insecure, overly suspicious, and does he really need to show all that attitude towards Azfar?
Here’s the problem with our hero and I will attempt to deconstruct it in a few, (not too brief) words.
What Women Want?
Salman is the guy we all dream of having in our lives, but not the hero we want to see onscreen.
While we might criticize the Muratasims of this world for being too Alpha male stereotypical, at the end of the day, do we idolize these characters, ready to forgive and forget their misdemeanours, oh well, because, … they’re just so charming! (does it really matter if he hit his heroine once … and more?) He has a journey! And we all love to see a man with a journey don’t we? Uncomplicated Salmans just don’t cut it!
We want our male heroes to prep that omelet and cook for their wives, have zero insecurities about themselves, but at the same time, we want them to be the “take charge” kind; confident, mature, ready to take on the world for their women, but not to feel challenged by a good looking, wealthier, influential resourceful male boss whose family we tend to all day long. We want them to not ask for a commitment, but to KNOW that we love them. We want them to let us be free spirits, and understand that we can never send the wrong message to anyone, because, we’re simply above that.
We want them to place blind trust in us, even before a relationship has fully taken hold.
But, we want them to be there for our families, to be there for us, we want them to let us be ourselves, but at the same time, … do we allow them to be themselves?
Communicative Men vs The Silent, Strong Type?
Salman might make omelet, chai and coffee and roti, but he is also a son brought up by a single parent – a mother, and a very sensitive one at that. Hence he is naturally more communicative than your typical alpha male aka Azfar who keeps things inside himself and has successfully commanded Aliya’s sympathy. Well, because he’s a scarred soul – recall the silent, strong type whom we all had a crush on in our teens?
Salman is not our regular hero, but he’s all that and the guy we want without the baggage. He’s the guy we want plus the “take charge”, dominant, self confident demeanour we want him to be. He must be everything, everywhere, all at once!
But does that mean Salman does not need the same level of TLC?
Why subject one person to sarcasm and the other to patience? Do we take our relationships for granted? Do men like Salman end up being taken for granted by women like Aliya who have all the emotional energy to tend to work problems, but none, to tend to relationship issues?
Here’s the thing. Aliya like many women who have high expectations from a relationship, is taking many things for granted. 1. That Salman must understand everything about her. 2. That Salman must never feel insecure or ask her to be communicative, (not explain herself), there is a difference. Proper and timely communication in a relationship does not need explanations later. If Aliya had told Salman, e.g. that she has applied for a loan, then he would have perhaps, understood the sudden news of a loan for the house coming through.
But then, the drama Kuch Ankahi would have defeated its purpose, right?
My dear Aliya, the understanding you seek is totally justified, but it comes from many years of living together, and Salman is that person who just needs verbal commitment and reassurance right now. Just like Azfar who suffers from a scarred childhood, Salman suffers form one too. He grew up without a father and just because the narrative is kinder to Azfar than Salman, doesn’t mean he didn’t suffer it.
Aliya – The Working Women Amidst Us
Lastly, Aliya in Kuch Ankahi is representing (magnificently) if I may say so, those young women who are totally self sufficient, independent and in control. Such women sometimes forget that the people whom they are closest to are the ones they end up taking for granted. Just like men are in transition and moving in to help in the house, be emotionally present for their family and letting go of their ego, women too, are in transition. They’re stepping out of their homes, becoming self sufficient, financially independent and emotionally secure – but what both need to understand is, that relationships still need work, communication and constant TLC – this does not mean the bond is weak, but just that, you still show that you care for each other’s feelings even if you can live without each other.
And when in a relationship, esp. a fledgling one, we forget that one always needs to work at the dynamics. No matter how wonderful Salman is, he needs her reassurance. He is human, a man, and in love with Aliya. His candour at expressing his feelings must be celebrated rather than mocked or ridiculed. His wearing his heart upon his sleeve is a sign that there are no red flags in this human being, just that, he’s not your regular guy who shuts his feelings inside himself. If he needs help, he asks for it.
He is, perhaps, everything Aliya is not.
But opposites attract! So dear Aliya, can you flip those “ankahi batein” to speaking them out loud? A wholesome conversation between you two is definitely on the cards.
Don’t leave it too late.
In summary, it’s not about who Aliya chooses but rather, how she mends the relationship that needs her attention and communication since many episodes. This in itself will send out multiple messages to working girls who can and do go it alone, but who, if they meet a Salman in their life, must know that … this one is for keeps – Value him. So, fix this one Aliya, and the rest will fall into place.
Azfar, I’m sorry, you’re a good guy, but it’s not really about you. Nice knowing you and all the best in matters of the heart. I’m sure you’ll get your girl, one day, but perhaps it won’t be the one you want right now!
Finally, is it fair to expect Salman to be the man we want him to be; caring, emotionally present, direct and, perhaps, ego-less and also, to expect him to “man up” be less insecure, all things women want and more – everything, everywhere all at once?
Kuch Ankahi has my heart and must be applauded for bringing layered conversations to the table. Join in and tell me what you think of the Salman-Aliya-Azfar dynamics!
